Day 89: Tomorrow will be a full three months of not smoking! I feel like the blog has run it's course and helped in keeping me off nicotine but I really don't have that much to say. I will end it with a few truths, some which I have mentioned previously and perhaps some new...
1. I still want to smoke, not everyday but there are definitely days.
2. I am constantly planning the times when I feel like I can cheat and smoke, I'm not sure that I will actually follow through, but I have a list of acceptable smoking opportunities on the legal pad in my head.
3. To clarify my cheat situations are mostly vacations with or without casinos, without children and accompanied by drinking. A couple of years ago I went to Tampa with my girlfriends, I had previously quit smoking but knew as soon as I landed, me and Newport we were going to have a reunion. It wasn't an issue when I got back on the plane to Utah I didn't smoke again. Obviously not never, we started again for something, a good reason I'm sure.
4. What I have found is I can not have cheat situations at my home, because then the habits come back too easily, like the cup of coffee with the cigarette or the after dinner cigarette. That is what happened above.
5. I know whether at home or on vacation it's probably not the best idea for the ex smoker to light one up.
6. Three months is really a drop in the bucket not a great milestone, but a milestone nonetheless.
7. Based on my previous attempts to quit and even adding in my "free cheat situations" it's the 6-9 months that are killer. I've never bypassed the 9 month mark so here's hoping!
8. I have saved a minimum of $349.10 since Feb. 27th that is just me based on 1/2 pack a day. However adding in M smoking the other half we have saved nearly $700.
Maybe my hardest trials are the next three months, when the warmth from the sun screams in my ear to take the clothes off. Sweatshirt not allowed! I'm usually a fan of summer but with my back surgery and the no smoking this weight gain is dragging me down. Here is my final blog bitchin, M started running three weeks ago, maybe 3 times a week and has lost 8-9 pounds, no real diet change to speak of. WTH! I walk at least 3 miles every day and don't loose a thing. Oh don't get me wrong I know why, because for the other 23 hours of the day I'm sitting or laying down with a few aimless wanders around the house. I can't fully express how insanely boring doing nothing is. I started breaking up my 3 mile walk, into smaller walks two or three times a day, yeah I know, not gonna make a difference. I see the doctor next week so maybe I can start doing some vacuuming or mopping. Dreaming big.
To the few who read this, thanks for taking the time over the last three months, it has helped.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Who knew anxiety cost so much.
Day 80: Anxiety: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The smoker's dictionary actually states that smoking can help ease anxiety.
Anyone who reads this blog knows I don't hold much back, so let me just be clear I have an anxiety disorder, and it's for the most part of the generalized type. I don't think about it much, in fact my family probably thinks about it more than me. I talk of Ativan all the time, which I have a legal prescription for, however, I am not the pill popping type so I don't take them. I have them, I even sometimes think: I should take them with me or I should take one but it's always just talk. I'm still alive, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't been put in the psych ward on a 50/50 hold, so far so good without medication. As I said my family are usually the one's who say "you should really take some medicine" that usually occurs when we are about to take a trip, the airport is the big one. I'm not afraid to fly, far from it, it's the need to ensure everyone is following the rules, take your shoes off , you better not have any liquid in that bag, I swear to goodness if I have to tell you to take your shoes off one more time, hurry up get your bucket, don't make people wait, why would you just lay your jacket on the belt, that is what the buckets are for, you know you can use more than one bucket how the hell is the X-ray supposed to see through all that, M why do you suddenly turn into a snail when we are in the security line, put a little pep in your step and take off your freakin shoes!!!! .... the list is forever, and they better hope that security doesn't beep them or hold their bag cause that would be the end of the world as we know it. I'm saying that is how someone with anxiety thinks, like literally pigs would fly and hell would freeze over, so I try to prevent that kind of stuff, I think of it as more like community service for the rest of the world not so much a psychological problem. :)
This has not been a problem for me, until now. T is going to the Philippines, which I am currently packing for and as I am going down the list of needed things, I see I'm going to have a problem.
Flashlight with extra batteries ~translation~ 4 flashlights with many extra batteries, I mean he will probably loose three before he even gets on the plane.
Toothbrush~ translation~ actually need 3 of those again what if he looses them
Earplugs ~ translation~ will have the two on the first leg of flight but then might loose those so will need some extra then the return trip .. oh hell just get him a box of 26 that should do it
Toiletries~translation~ just buy two of everything in case he looses the first bottle of body wash and hope that if he looses that both, someone will let them borrow theirs or they will have extra to give him. Or maybe I should hide two more bottles in a different bag just in case.
Hand sanitizer ~translation~ definitely need the clip on belt one, but I better get four refill bottles (please see above)
Four copies of Passport~ translation~ oh my hell don't even think about loosing the passport, but I will make the copies and probably two extra to send with him, I also have his passport card so if he gets detained in customs maybe it will help.
Document holder~ translation~ Can I get something surgically sewn onto him so that he will not loose anything important.
I won't tell you everything, but needless to say this anxiety thing is a pricey disorder. Especially when I add in the possible flight needed to the Philippines because I forgot to pack him something.
So since I have managed to stay smoke free for these 80 days and don't have a desiree to relapse even for anxiety relief, I might consider popping a pill in the coming weeks or I will have to be restrained from getting that parent pass that allows you to go through security and wait with your child for their flight. If I did that T might need a pill, because of the embarrassment of treating him like a baby in front of his friends.
Anyone who reads this blog knows I don't hold much back, so let me just be clear I have an anxiety disorder, and it's for the most part of the generalized type. I don't think about it much, in fact my family probably thinks about it more than me. I talk of Ativan all the time, which I have a legal prescription for, however, I am not the pill popping type so I don't take them. I have them, I even sometimes think: I should take them with me or I should take one but it's always just talk. I'm still alive, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't been put in the psych ward on a 50/50 hold, so far so good without medication. As I said my family are usually the one's who say "you should really take some medicine" that usually occurs when we are about to take a trip, the airport is the big one. I'm not afraid to fly, far from it, it's the need to ensure everyone is following the rules, take your shoes off , you better not have any liquid in that bag, I swear to goodness if I have to tell you to take your shoes off one more time, hurry up get your bucket, don't make people wait, why would you just lay your jacket on the belt, that is what the buckets are for, you know you can use more than one bucket how the hell is the X-ray supposed to see through all that, M why do you suddenly turn into a snail when we are in the security line, put a little pep in your step and take off your freakin shoes!!!! .... the list is forever, and they better hope that security doesn't beep them or hold their bag cause that would be the end of the world as we know it. I'm saying that is how someone with anxiety thinks, like literally pigs would fly and hell would freeze over, so I try to prevent that kind of stuff, I think of it as more like community service for the rest of the world not so much a psychological problem. :)
This has not been a problem for me, until now. T is going to the Philippines, which I am currently packing for and as I am going down the list of needed things, I see I'm going to have a problem.
Flashlight with extra batteries ~translation~ 4 flashlights with many extra batteries, I mean he will probably loose three before he even gets on the plane.
Toothbrush~ translation~ actually need 3 of those again what if he looses them
Earplugs ~ translation~ will have the two on the first leg of flight but then might loose those so will need some extra then the return trip .. oh hell just get him a box of 26 that should do it
Toiletries~translation~ just buy two of everything in case he looses the first bottle of body wash and hope that if he looses that both, someone will let them borrow theirs or they will have extra to give him. Or maybe I should hide two more bottles in a different bag just in case.
Hand sanitizer ~translation~ definitely need the clip on belt one, but I better get four refill bottles (please see above)
Four copies of Passport~ translation~ oh my hell don't even think about loosing the passport, but I will make the copies and probably two extra to send with him, I also have his passport card so if he gets detained in customs maybe it will help.
Document holder~ translation~ Can I get something surgically sewn onto him so that he will not loose anything important.
I won't tell you everything, but needless to say this anxiety thing is a pricey disorder. Especially when I add in the possible flight needed to the Philippines because I forgot to pack him something.
So since I have managed to stay smoke free for these 80 days and don't have a desiree to relapse even for anxiety relief, I might consider popping a pill in the coming weeks or I will have to be restrained from getting that parent pass that allows you to go through security and wait with your child for their flight. If I did that T might need a pill, because of the embarrassment of treating him like a baby in front of his friends.
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