HaHaHa LMBO funny, you're so funny!

Day 63:  Matthew 6:34 says:  " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 
This is a comical directive to those of us who are controllers.  In fact it is quite impossible until.... you have no way of managing today let alone tomorrow.  I had back surgery 6 days ago and all I can say is hahahahaha God, your soooooo funny!  When you suddenly realize that everything you do involves twisting, and bending and oh by the way you are not allowed to do either of those for the next 6 weeks.  It first hit when I was in the hospital and literally started crying because I couldn't remember how I was supposed to get out of bed.  Suddenly, there is a way to get in/out of bed, sit on the couch, a certain number of minutes you are allowed to sit, unless reclined which is different and more like laying in bed, and how many minutes you can be in a car, oh and you can't drive for two weeks and you can't lift more than 10lbs and walking is okay, in fact great but you can't walk too far or you won't make it back home.     Now, my day consists of lists in my head of what needs to be done and who is going to be home first to do it.   For instance, I woke up at 6am made coffee (that I can do), I put some cups in the dishwasher but not the spoons because I would have to bend to reach the bottom rack, T came down stairs I said I need the dishes put away and the cat litter done.  Luckily the night before I had M fill up Boston's dog bowl because having to wait until someone comes downstairs drives me nuts.  When I asked M to do it, he said why can't Boston wait until I get downstairs to eat, to which I replied because he wants to eat when he wakes up.  M pacified me and got the dog his food so he could eat promptly upon waking.  Me and the animals have a schedule and this back thing really messes with it.  Somer stopped in from housesitting and going to work and I said can you go pick up the poop all three dogs pooped oh and do the cat litter ?(yes again I hate stinky things).
So all that is bad enough, I get it the jokes on me, I can't control anything...
But noooo, just to make sure I really got it, both kids are housesitting/pet sitting this week at different houses, and in my house I'm what you would call you're go to "girl", if you forgot something, need something, or just plain want something, you call me.  You forgot your ID, you need your deodorant, you want some lunch I got it.  You want to hang out and someone needs to stay with the dog, I got it.  Oh you don't want to wake up that early, I can I am up anyways.  Well not this time you all are on your own, it's quite possible you may be stranded on base 'cause you have a dead battery, or you will starve to death because you didn't bring a lunch, or you can't run because you forgot your sneakers but I can't help you this time.

You see the last thing I couldn't control was how the tattoo guy made these look like an outline of my kidneys, instead of neat looking flip flops. I also couldn't control that the incision to the L4/L5 lumbar went right thru my tattoo.  It's clear everything is better when I have my hand in it.    I'll say I'm sorry now, just in case the world comes to an end because I'm not in control for the next 5 weeks and 1 day.

BTW surprisingly still smoke free!

Maybe this blog should be called... The Truth About My BS.

Day 49: I think between the no smoking (my one true friend), and the lack of exercise I have sunk into a slight depression.   Add to that, S and her boyfriend broke up and for some inexplicable reason that bothers me perhaps more than the first two.  I have tried to analyze it, and again as with most things that drive me crazy I have to look at my control issues, or in this case the lack there of .  I won't put all her details out here, but this is what I will say.  I believe I raised a child who understands loyalty, and does not falter from that no matter what anyone would like to believe.  I also believe that same loyalty, causes her great pain, because rather than throw someone under the bus, she will take the brunt of what is thrown. I told her a long time ago, relationships don't last unless you make a conscious effort and a decision for them to last.  "I promise to love" is not just a saying, it's the only way a relationship works, if you promise to love, despite hating them at times, despite not being in love with them most of the time, despite the lust and puppy dog love fleeting, if you promise, you choose to love that person no matter what feeling is at the forefront that day, then and only then can a relationship last.  So I believe she kept her promise longer than I would of, which I'm proud of, but I believe keeping a promise when the other person never made the same promise is like using a dixie cup to empty a boat filling with water, you will eventually be brought under.  I should say at 19yrs old I think it's okay not to make that promise, in fact I think it's better not to, there is too much life to live.  But, being stubborn, a genetic trait, she fought a good fight but in the end was tired, was done, was over it.  So what's the problem?  I seem to internalize everyone's sadness, including the ex's because I can't fix their sadness.  If S is worried over how other's view her,  I give her twenty ways to correct their thinking.  Is that what I should be doing?  I mean you and God know the truth, what else matters.  So I can teach her about honoring her word, but how do you teach them to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks?  How do you tell them that fighting for something to no avail, does not take away the fact that you fought?  How do you convince them that just because the other person didn't care until you were to tired to, doesn't take away the fact that your integrity is still intact and that is everything? How do you get across to them that they are worth more than words can describe to someone, to me?  How do you make them believe that the decisions we are brought to and the direction we choose, are what make us who we become?
I don't want anyone to be confused by any of this, I typed all this not because I have any doubt both of them will be just fine, like the millions before them who have had their hearts broken, I wrote it because I was hoping it would be cathartic for me.  These teenage years are driving me cray cray (for those who don't know that is Crazy to the second power)  I just hope that when T starts dating I hate the little girls and this scenario will not repeat itself because lets be honest there is no such thing as  cray cray cray!

Childrens they make me do it.

Day 45: Warning Warning these coming texts may cause you to start drinking, smoking or really partake of anything that may shorten your life or cause you to forget moments out of it.

I have been struggling with not smoking, mainly because of my weight, the increase is in direct correlation with the quitting and the herniated disc in my back.  Weight is the reason or at least the excuse I use every time I go back.  Let me do the math for you,
 Half a pack of Newport's +  3 or 4 Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches = 0 calories consumed
 No Newport's + 1 Fat Boy= Fat Girl
Adding to the struggle the "Childrens"  I don't even want to use their names today, I just want to pretend they are a figment of my imagination.

Yesterday one of the childrens, opened my cabinet to get a bowl, while searching he thought it was a good idea to lean all his weight on it, at which point it busted and had to be taken off the hinges.  When "M" told him to get a screw driver and take it off,  the boy came back in and started leaning on the already broken cabinet door so he could unscrew it.  Then tells "M": Stop yelling at me.  I'm sorry what?????  Five minutes later after getting the door off, he runs upstairs for who knows what and bounds back down like he is doing Parkour in the stairwell.  At which point he informs me, " You know the railing will be next".  OK, I'm sorry what????? You are giving me a heads up to pulling my railing from the wall, well thanks buddy.
One of the other childrens is coming up on the end of a semester, which means the reality has set in that, "oh my gosh I might not pass my math class".  "I don't know mom, I had a C or B it must have been that last test ."  Knowing she struggles with math, what was I thinking letting her add up her own grades to figure out what she had? When I did the math yesterday her C or B was actually a very low C on the way to a D not anywhere in the direction of a B. Clearly, she struggles with directions as well ...  She pays us  tuition back for C's or lower, so it is not about the money. I can't fix this because the semester is over in seven days and for my overly controlling personality that drives me crazy.

Oh Newport's take me away.

Disclaimer:    The girl, just to clarify is in College Algebra and even I hated it.  And no Newport's have been smoked  since the start of this blog. Day 45 and counting .

Randomness at its fineness

Day 39:  I have nothing to say about smoking, other than still nicotine free.  So I thought I'd just type up some randomness.
I couldn't wait to move back to the states after 4 years in  England, not because I didn't like it, but the culture was so different that I was just ready for some good ol' American culture...  Where did we get sent?  Utah~ the opposite of American culture.  Jokes on me.

If I delete you from Facebook, it is not because I hate you, it is probably because I'm judging you and because that is something I am really against, my only option is to press delete on the FB friendship. ~ Yeah, I know there must be a better  Christian way.

 It's probably a bad sign when T, the 15 yr old repeats word for word what I said to M not to long ago, "We haven't been on vacation in forever", at which point, not caring that I too have said it, yell "really, did we not just go to New York and Pennsylvania in December?".  Kids are like mirror images of ourselves and quite frankly looking and listening to them is like walking through the carnival house of mirrors and seeing yourself all distorted.   I just want to scream to T, step away from the mirror.

S is moving away for her last two years of college, and with that comes the reality of how disabled I have made my kids by doing everything for them.  I have made small strides in changing this, poor T, he is still in the house for the next 3 years so he is gonna have to learn to wipe his own butt.  (I'm kidding, it's not that bad)  He will have to learn how to spread cream cheese on his bagels, ok close to wiping his own butt.   At first with the realizations that I am like Kathy Bates in Misery and I have hobbled my kids, it can be overwhelming and depressing but then light shines through.  The light I speak of, are my quiet allies, the friends who don't reveal all their downfalls, as freely as myself, but every once in a while they give you the back up (crutch) you need.  One such friend, said in conversation about kids, "oh yeah my kid told me the other day if I came down and cut up her fruit she would eat it).  I should mention "down" is a 6 hour drive, and while S hasn't left the house yet, I have heard this statement out of her mouth.  Apparently, the trick to eating healthy is to have all the fruit and veggies cut up for you in a ready to go container, because having to pull out, lets say a big heavy cantaloupe and cutting it in slices and putting it in a baggie, I'm sorry let me just stop, that's just non-sensical talk.  It's not gonna happen.  Back to the light I saw, in that moment I realized I'm not alone, S won't be the only emaciated, dilapidated, lost kid away at school.  Power to the "Helicopter" mom's .