Day 89: Tomorrow will be a full three months of not smoking! I feel like the blog has run it's course and helped in keeping me off nicotine but I really don't have that much to say. I will end it with a few truths, some which I have mentioned previously and perhaps some new...
1. I still want to smoke, not everyday but there are definitely days.
2. I am constantly planning the times when I feel like I can cheat and smoke, I'm not sure that I will actually follow through, but I have a list of acceptable smoking opportunities on the legal pad in my head.
3. To clarify my cheat situations are mostly vacations with or without casinos, without children and accompanied by drinking. A couple of years ago I went to Tampa with my girlfriends, I had previously quit smoking but knew as soon as I landed, me and Newport we were going to have a reunion. It wasn't an issue when I got back on the plane to Utah I didn't smoke again. Obviously not never, we started again for something, a good reason I'm sure.
4. What I have found is I can not have cheat situations at my home, because then the habits come back too easily, like the cup of coffee with the cigarette or the after dinner cigarette. That is what happened above.
5. I know whether at home or on vacation it's probably not the best idea for the ex smoker to light one up.
6. Three months is really a drop in the bucket not a great milestone, but a milestone nonetheless.
7. Based on my previous attempts to quit and even adding in my "free cheat situations" it's the 6-9 months that are killer. I've never bypassed the 9 month mark so here's hoping!
8. I have saved a minimum of $349.10 since Feb. 27th that is just me based on 1/2 pack a day. However adding in M smoking the other half we have saved nearly $700.
Maybe my hardest trials are the next three months, when the warmth from the sun screams in my ear to take the clothes off. Sweatshirt not allowed! I'm usually a fan of summer but with my back surgery and the no smoking this weight gain is dragging me down. Here is my final blog bitchin, M started running three weeks ago, maybe 3 times a week and has lost 8-9 pounds, no real diet change to speak of. WTH! I walk at least 3 miles every day and don't loose a thing. Oh don't get me wrong I know why, because for the other 23 hours of the day I'm sitting or laying down with a few aimless wanders around the house. I can't fully express how insanely boring doing nothing is. I started breaking up my 3 mile walk, into smaller walks two or three times a day, yeah I know, not gonna make a difference. I see the doctor next week so maybe I can start doing some vacuuming or mopping. Dreaming big.
To the few who read this, thanks for taking the time over the last three months, it has helped.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Who knew anxiety cost so much.
Day 80: Anxiety: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The smoker's dictionary actually states that smoking can help ease anxiety.
Anyone who reads this blog knows I don't hold much back, so let me just be clear I have an anxiety disorder, and it's for the most part of the generalized type. I don't think about it much, in fact my family probably thinks about it more than me. I talk of Ativan all the time, which I have a legal prescription for, however, I am not the pill popping type so I don't take them. I have them, I even sometimes think: I should take them with me or I should take one but it's always just talk. I'm still alive, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't been put in the psych ward on a 50/50 hold, so far so good without medication. As I said my family are usually the one's who say "you should really take some medicine" that usually occurs when we are about to take a trip, the airport is the big one. I'm not afraid to fly, far from it, it's the need to ensure everyone is following the rules, take your shoes off , you better not have any liquid in that bag, I swear to goodness if I have to tell you to take your shoes off one more time, hurry up get your bucket, don't make people wait, why would you just lay your jacket on the belt, that is what the buckets are for, you know you can use more than one bucket how the hell is the X-ray supposed to see through all that, M why do you suddenly turn into a snail when we are in the security line, put a little pep in your step and take off your freakin shoes!!!! .... the list is forever, and they better hope that security doesn't beep them or hold their bag cause that would be the end of the world as we know it. I'm saying that is how someone with anxiety thinks, like literally pigs would fly and hell would freeze over, so I try to prevent that kind of stuff, I think of it as more like community service for the rest of the world not so much a psychological problem. :)
This has not been a problem for me, until now. T is going to the Philippines, which I am currently packing for and as I am going down the list of needed things, I see I'm going to have a problem.
Flashlight with extra batteries ~translation~ 4 flashlights with many extra batteries, I mean he will probably loose three before he even gets on the plane.
Toothbrush~ translation~ actually need 3 of those again what if he looses them
Earplugs ~ translation~ will have the two on the first leg of flight but then might loose those so will need some extra then the return trip .. oh hell just get him a box of 26 that should do it
Toiletries~translation~ just buy two of everything in case he looses the first bottle of body wash and hope that if he looses that both, someone will let them borrow theirs or they will have extra to give him. Or maybe I should hide two more bottles in a different bag just in case.
Hand sanitizer ~translation~ definitely need the clip on belt one, but I better get four refill bottles (please see above)
Four copies of Passport~ translation~ oh my hell don't even think about loosing the passport, but I will make the copies and probably two extra to send with him, I also have his passport card so if he gets detained in customs maybe it will help.
Document holder~ translation~ Can I get something surgically sewn onto him so that he will not loose anything important.
I won't tell you everything, but needless to say this anxiety thing is a pricey disorder. Especially when I add in the possible flight needed to the Philippines because I forgot to pack him something.
So since I have managed to stay smoke free for these 80 days and don't have a desiree to relapse even for anxiety relief, I might consider popping a pill in the coming weeks or I will have to be restrained from getting that parent pass that allows you to go through security and wait with your child for their flight. If I did that T might need a pill, because of the embarrassment of treating him like a baby in front of his friends.
Anyone who reads this blog knows I don't hold much back, so let me just be clear I have an anxiety disorder, and it's for the most part of the generalized type. I don't think about it much, in fact my family probably thinks about it more than me. I talk of Ativan all the time, which I have a legal prescription for, however, I am not the pill popping type so I don't take them. I have them, I even sometimes think: I should take them with me or I should take one but it's always just talk. I'm still alive, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't been put in the psych ward on a 50/50 hold, so far so good without medication. As I said my family are usually the one's who say "you should really take some medicine" that usually occurs when we are about to take a trip, the airport is the big one. I'm not afraid to fly, far from it, it's the need to ensure everyone is following the rules, take your shoes off , you better not have any liquid in that bag, I swear to goodness if I have to tell you to take your shoes off one more time, hurry up get your bucket, don't make people wait, why would you just lay your jacket on the belt, that is what the buckets are for, you know you can use more than one bucket how the hell is the X-ray supposed to see through all that, M why do you suddenly turn into a snail when we are in the security line, put a little pep in your step and take off your freakin shoes!!!! .... the list is forever, and they better hope that security doesn't beep them or hold their bag cause that would be the end of the world as we know it. I'm saying that is how someone with anxiety thinks, like literally pigs would fly and hell would freeze over, so I try to prevent that kind of stuff, I think of it as more like community service for the rest of the world not so much a psychological problem. :)
This has not been a problem for me, until now. T is going to the Philippines, which I am currently packing for and as I am going down the list of needed things, I see I'm going to have a problem.
Flashlight with extra batteries ~translation~ 4 flashlights with many extra batteries, I mean he will probably loose three before he even gets on the plane.
Toothbrush~ translation~ actually need 3 of those again what if he looses them
Earplugs ~ translation~ will have the two on the first leg of flight but then might loose those so will need some extra then the return trip .. oh hell just get him a box of 26 that should do it
Toiletries~translation~ just buy two of everything in case he looses the first bottle of body wash and hope that if he looses that both, someone will let them borrow theirs or they will have extra to give him. Or maybe I should hide two more bottles in a different bag just in case.
Hand sanitizer ~translation~ definitely need the clip on belt one, but I better get four refill bottles (please see above)
Four copies of Passport~ translation~ oh my hell don't even think about loosing the passport, but I will make the copies and probably two extra to send with him, I also have his passport card so if he gets detained in customs maybe it will help.
Document holder~ translation~ Can I get something surgically sewn onto him so that he will not loose anything important.
I won't tell you everything, but needless to say this anxiety thing is a pricey disorder. Especially when I add in the possible flight needed to the Philippines because I forgot to pack him something.
So since I have managed to stay smoke free for these 80 days and don't have a desiree to relapse even for anxiety relief, I might consider popping a pill in the coming weeks or I will have to be restrained from getting that parent pass that allows you to go through security and wait with your child for their flight. If I did that T might need a pill, because of the embarrassment of treating him like a baby in front of his friends.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Maybe a little Jose Cuervo.
Day 73: Still not smoking, but definitely contemplating taking up drinking.
The ability to do nothing, takes a will power that I do not have. Having limitations set on what I can do and can't do leaves me feeling very idle. It is that idleness that whispers in my ear for a cigarette to fill the void, the time, the nothingness.
It is amazing to recognize now, that while I have not worked or went to school in over a year, I did in fact keep myself very busy. Even on days when I thought I did nothing, I was wrong I did something. "Nothing" looks different than what I thought, nothing is a lonely place, a twiddle your thumbs kind of place, a place where you have started to contemplate whether some internet shopping might just fix everything. It's okay I haven't stepped in that void yet, don't worry just pray for me :).
So you're wondering where Jose comes in, well in my idleness I've wished I could justify taking my prescribed pain pills, because the 120 percocet I have from surgery would make the time fly or at least make me feel like I was flying, which for the next 4 weeks I won't be able to .. fly that is, or drive in a car for too long either. There is also the ever present "children", now "S" has been gone for the past two weeks housesitting, so I don't really have any complaints or WTH moments, but the other one, oh you know the one.
I won't bore you with all of my fun daily mothering activities with "T", but let me just tell ya about the most recent. I should start by saying that since I have not been allowed to drive for two weeks, T has been very good about putting on deodorant, brushing his teeth and perhaps remembering to put on boxers because he was warned no one will be bringing you those things if you forget, "your mother can't drive". Tuesday, he comes home from school, we do the normal routine, which now has some added responsibility of things that have driven me nuts during the day, like the dog hair on the carpet that needs to be vacuumed immediately. "No I don't have homework, I'm hungry, I'm going to take a shower (track practice)", so now it's about 6:20pm and he goes over to a friends to go with him to tumbling (which I'm assuming is gymnastics, these kids are 15 yrs old) and maybe get ice cream on their way home. At exactly 6:46pm T comes barging through the door, laughing "I have a band concert" , running upstairs to iron black dress pants and a dress shirt.
Okay let me start by saying the band concerts are always at 7pm, the high school is about 10-15 minute drive from my house. On concert days you must wear your dress clothes to school. Now I'm doing a little thing that is my stress reliever, yelling. I'm yelling "seriously, you didn't remember you had a band concert, when you showed up at school today with out being dressed properly a big bell didn't go off in your head, why did you suddenly remember, how the hell do expect to get there on time, you know this is worth 300 points which you can't afford to have a 0 on, had you left already for tumbling, did they have to drive you back here??? Oh my gosh hurry up ironing those damn clothes! "
Do you see where I'm going here, I can't smoke, but Jose he might help. The question becomes my liver or my lungs, what are my odds, this I don't know, so no Jose for today.
T made it miraculously on time, and when we got there his friend was standing outside, I thought waiting for him, but when T got home I found out, that his friend was waiting for his mom to show up with his instrument, which he had in the car when he got dropped off but didn't bring it in and the person driving him was now thirty minutes away at the college, to which his mother had to furiously run up to college to collect the instrument and bring it back to the kid. He also just made it, although they had been on stage for 10 minutes his part hadn't started yet. I felt like she might need that shot and was happy that it's not just my kid!
The ability to do nothing, takes a will power that I do not have. Having limitations set on what I can do and can't do leaves me feeling very idle. It is that idleness that whispers in my ear for a cigarette to fill the void, the time, the nothingness.
It is amazing to recognize now, that while I have not worked or went to school in over a year, I did in fact keep myself very busy. Even on days when I thought I did nothing, I was wrong I did something. "Nothing" looks different than what I thought, nothing is a lonely place, a twiddle your thumbs kind of place, a place where you have started to contemplate whether some internet shopping might just fix everything. It's okay I haven't stepped in that void yet, don't worry just pray for me :).
So you're wondering where Jose comes in, well in my idleness I've wished I could justify taking my prescribed pain pills, because the 120 percocet I have from surgery would make the time fly or at least make me feel like I was flying, which for the next 4 weeks I won't be able to .. fly that is, or drive in a car for too long either. There is also the ever present "children", now "S" has been gone for the past two weeks housesitting, so I don't really have any complaints or WTH moments, but the other one, oh you know the one.
I won't bore you with all of my fun daily mothering activities with "T", but let me just tell ya about the most recent. I should start by saying that since I have not been allowed to drive for two weeks, T has been very good about putting on deodorant, brushing his teeth and perhaps remembering to put on boxers because he was warned no one will be bringing you those things if you forget, "your mother can't drive". Tuesday, he comes home from school, we do the normal routine, which now has some added responsibility of things that have driven me nuts during the day, like the dog hair on the carpet that needs to be vacuumed immediately. "No I don't have homework, I'm hungry, I'm going to take a shower (track practice)", so now it's about 6:20pm and he goes over to a friends to go with him to tumbling (which I'm assuming is gymnastics, these kids are 15 yrs old) and maybe get ice cream on their way home. At exactly 6:46pm T comes barging through the door, laughing "I have a band concert" , running upstairs to iron black dress pants and a dress shirt.
Okay let me start by saying the band concerts are always at 7pm, the high school is about 10-15 minute drive from my house. On concert days you must wear your dress clothes to school. Now I'm doing a little thing that is my stress reliever, yelling. I'm yelling "seriously, you didn't remember you had a band concert, when you showed up at school today with out being dressed properly a big bell didn't go off in your head, why did you suddenly remember, how the hell do expect to get there on time, you know this is worth 300 points which you can't afford to have a 0 on, had you left already for tumbling, did they have to drive you back here??? Oh my gosh hurry up ironing those damn clothes! "
Do you see where I'm going here, I can't smoke, but Jose he might help. The question becomes my liver or my lungs, what are my odds, this I don't know, so no Jose for today.
T made it miraculously on time, and when we got there his friend was standing outside, I thought waiting for him, but when T got home I found out, that his friend was waiting for his mom to show up with his instrument, which he had in the car when he got dropped off but didn't bring it in and the person driving him was now thirty minutes away at the college, to which his mother had to furiously run up to college to collect the instrument and bring it back to the kid. He also just made it, although they had been on stage for 10 minutes his part hadn't started yet. I felt like she might need that shot and was happy that it's not just my kid!
Monday, April 30, 2012
HaHaHa LMBO funny, you're so funny!
Day 63: Matthew 6:34 says: " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
This is a comical directive to those of us who are controllers. In fact it is quite impossible until.... you have no way of managing today let alone tomorrow. I had back surgery 6 days ago and all I can say is hahahahaha God, your soooooo funny! When you suddenly realize that everything you do involves twisting, and bending and oh by the way you are not allowed to do either of those for the next 6 weeks. It first hit when I was in the hospital and literally started crying because I couldn't remember how I was supposed to get out of bed. Suddenly, there is a way to get in/out of bed, sit on the couch, a certain number of minutes you are allowed to sit, unless reclined which is different and more like laying in bed, and how many minutes you can be in a car, oh and you can't drive for two weeks and you can't lift more than 10lbs and walking is okay, in fact great but you can't walk too far or you won't make it back home. Now, my day consists of lists in my head of what needs to be done and who is going to be home first to do it. For instance, I woke up at 6am made coffee (that I can do), I put some cups in the dishwasher but not the spoons because I would have to bend to reach the bottom rack, T came down stairs I said I need the dishes put away and the cat litter done. Luckily the night before I had M fill up Boston's dog bowl because having to wait until someone comes downstairs drives me nuts. When I asked M to do it, he said why can't Boston wait until I get downstairs to eat, to which I replied because he wants to eat when he wakes up. M pacified me and got the dog his food so he could eat promptly upon waking. Me and the animals have a schedule and this back thing really messes with it. Somer stopped in from housesitting and going to work and I said can you go pick up the poop all three dogs pooped oh and do the cat litter ?(yes again I hate stinky things).
So all that is bad enough, I get it the jokes on me, I can't control anything...
But noooo, just to make sure I really got it, both kids are housesitting/pet sitting this week at different houses, and in my house I'm what you would call you're go to "girl", if you forgot something, need something, or just plain want something, you call me. You forgot your ID, you need your deodorant, you want some lunch I got it. You want to hang out and someone needs to stay with the dog, I got it. Oh you don't want to wake up that early, I can I am up anyways. Well not this time you all are on your own, it's quite possible you may be stranded on base 'cause you have a dead battery, or you will starve to death because you didn't bring a lunch, or you can't run because you forgot your sneakers but I can't help you this time.
You see the last thing I couldn't control was how the tattoo guy made these look like an outline of my kidneys, instead of neat looking flip flops. I also couldn't control that the incision to the L4/L5 lumbar went right thru my tattoo. It's clear everything is better when I have my hand in it. I'll say I'm sorry now, just in case the world comes to an end because I'm not in control for the next 5 weeks and 1 day.
BTW surprisingly still smoke free!
This is a comical directive to those of us who are controllers. In fact it is quite impossible until.... you have no way of managing today let alone tomorrow. I had back surgery 6 days ago and all I can say is hahahahaha God, your soooooo funny! When you suddenly realize that everything you do involves twisting, and bending and oh by the way you are not allowed to do either of those for the next 6 weeks. It first hit when I was in the hospital and literally started crying because I couldn't remember how I was supposed to get out of bed. Suddenly, there is a way to get in/out of bed, sit on the couch, a certain number of minutes you are allowed to sit, unless reclined which is different and more like laying in bed, and how many minutes you can be in a car, oh and you can't drive for two weeks and you can't lift more than 10lbs and walking is okay, in fact great but you can't walk too far or you won't make it back home. Now, my day consists of lists in my head of what needs to be done and who is going to be home first to do it. For instance, I woke up at 6am made coffee (that I can do), I put some cups in the dishwasher but not the spoons because I would have to bend to reach the bottom rack, T came down stairs I said I need the dishes put away and the cat litter done. Luckily the night before I had M fill up Boston's dog bowl because having to wait until someone comes downstairs drives me nuts. When I asked M to do it, he said why can't Boston wait until I get downstairs to eat, to which I replied because he wants to eat when he wakes up. M pacified me and got the dog his food so he could eat promptly upon waking. Me and the animals have a schedule and this back thing really messes with it. Somer stopped in from housesitting and going to work and I said can you go pick up the poop all three dogs pooped oh and do the cat litter ?(yes again I hate stinky things).
So all that is bad enough, I get it the jokes on me, I can't control anything...
But noooo, just to make sure I really got it, both kids are housesitting/pet sitting this week at different houses, and in my house I'm what you would call you're go to "girl", if you forgot something, need something, or just plain want something, you call me. You forgot your ID, you need your deodorant, you want some lunch I got it. You want to hang out and someone needs to stay with the dog, I got it. Oh you don't want to wake up that early, I can I am up anyways. Well not this time you all are on your own, it's quite possible you may be stranded on base 'cause you have a dead battery, or you will starve to death because you didn't bring a lunch, or you can't run because you forgot your sneakers but I can't help you this time.
BTW surprisingly still smoke free!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Maybe this blog should be called... The Truth About My BS.
Day 49: I think between the no smoking (my one true friend), and the lack of exercise I have sunk into a slight depression. Add to that, S and her boyfriend broke up and for some inexplicable reason that bothers me perhaps more than the first two. I have tried to analyze it, and again as with most things that drive me crazy I have to look at my control issues, or in this case the lack there of . I won't put all her details out here, but this is what I will say. I believe I raised a child who understands loyalty, and does not falter from that no matter what anyone would like to believe. I also believe that same loyalty, causes her great pain, because rather than throw someone under the bus, she will take the brunt of what is thrown. I told her a long time ago, relationships don't last unless you make a conscious effort and a decision for them to last. "I promise to love" is not just a saying, it's the only way a relationship works, if you promise to love, despite hating them at times, despite not being in love with them most of the time, despite the lust and puppy dog love fleeting, if you promise, you choose to love that person no matter what feeling is at the forefront that day, then and only then can a relationship last. So I believe she kept her promise longer than I would of, which I'm proud of, but I believe keeping a promise when the other person never made the same promise is like using a dixie cup to empty a boat filling with water, you will eventually be brought under. I should say at 19yrs old I think it's okay not to make that promise, in fact I think it's better not to, there is too much life to live. But, being stubborn, a genetic trait, she fought a good fight but in the end was tired, was done, was over it. So what's the problem? I seem to internalize everyone's sadness, including the ex's because I can't fix their sadness. If S is worried over how other's view her, I give her twenty ways to correct their thinking. Is that what I should be doing? I mean you and God know the truth, what else matters. So I can teach her about honoring her word, but how do you teach them to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks? How do you tell them that fighting for something to no avail, does not take away the fact that you fought? How do you convince them that just because the other person didn't care until you were to tired to, doesn't take away the fact that your integrity is still intact and that is everything? How do you get across to them that they are worth more than words can describe to someone, to me? How do you make them believe that the decisions we are brought to and the direction we choose, are what make us who we become?
I don't want anyone to be confused by any of this, I typed all this not because I have any doubt both of them will be just fine, like the millions before them who have had their hearts broken, I wrote it because I was hoping it would be cathartic for me. These teenage years are driving me cray cray (for those who don't know that is Crazy to the second power) I just hope that when T starts dating I hate the little girls and this scenario will not repeat itself because lets be honest there is no such thing as cray cray cray!
I don't want anyone to be confused by any of this, I typed all this not because I have any doubt both of them will be just fine, like the millions before them who have had their hearts broken, I wrote it because I was hoping it would be cathartic for me. These teenage years are driving me cray cray (for those who don't know that is Crazy to the second power) I just hope that when T starts dating I hate the little girls and this scenario will not repeat itself because lets be honest there is no such thing as cray cray cray!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Childrens they make me do it.
Day 45: Warning Warning these coming texts may cause you to start drinking, smoking or really partake of anything that may shorten your life or cause you to forget moments out of it.
I have been struggling with not smoking, mainly because of my weight, the increase is in direct correlation with the quitting and the herniated disc in my back. Weight is the reason or at least the excuse I use every time I go back. Let me do the math for you,
Half a pack of Newport's + 3 or 4 Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches = 0 calories consumed
No Newport's + 1 Fat Boy= Fat Girl
Adding to the struggle the "Childrens" I don't even want to use their names today, I just want to pretend they are a figment of my imagination.
Yesterday one of the childrens, opened my cabinet to get a bowl, while searching he thought it was a good idea to lean all his weight on it, at which point it busted and had to be taken off the hinges. When "M" told him to get a screw driver and take it off, the boy came back in and started leaning on the already broken cabinet door so he could unscrew it. Then tells "M": Stop yelling at me. I'm sorry what????? Five minutes later after getting the door off, he runs upstairs for who knows what and bounds back down like he is doing Parkour in the stairwell. At which point he informs me, " You know the railing will be next". OK, I'm sorry what????? You are giving me a heads up to pulling my railing from the wall, well thanks buddy.
One of the other childrens is coming up on the end of a semester, which means the reality has set in that, "oh my gosh I might not pass my math class". "I don't know mom, I had a C or B it must have been that last test ." Knowing she struggles with math, what was I thinking letting her add up her own grades to figure out what she had? When I did the math yesterday her C or B was actually a very low C on the way to a D not anywhere in the direction of a B. Clearly, she struggles with directions as well ... She pays us tuition back for C's or lower, so it is not about the money. I can't fix this because the semester is over in seven days and for my overly controlling personality that drives me crazy.
Oh Newport's take me away.
Disclaimer: The girl, just to clarify is in College Algebra and even I hated it. And no Newport's have been smoked since the start of this blog. Day 45 and counting .
I have been struggling with not smoking, mainly because of my weight, the increase is in direct correlation with the quitting and the herniated disc in my back. Weight is the reason or at least the excuse I use every time I go back. Let me do the math for you,
Half a pack of Newport's + 3 or 4 Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches = 0 calories consumed
No Newport's + 1 Fat Boy= Fat Girl
Adding to the struggle the "Childrens" I don't even want to use their names today, I just want to pretend they are a figment of my imagination.
Yesterday one of the childrens, opened my cabinet to get a bowl, while searching he thought it was a good idea to lean all his weight on it, at which point it busted and had to be taken off the hinges. When "M" told him to get a screw driver and take it off, the boy came back in and started leaning on the already broken cabinet door so he could unscrew it. Then tells "M": Stop yelling at me. I'm sorry what????? Five minutes later after getting the door off, he runs upstairs for who knows what and bounds back down like he is doing Parkour in the stairwell. At which point he informs me, " You know the railing will be next". OK, I'm sorry what????? You are giving me a heads up to pulling my railing from the wall, well thanks buddy.
One of the other childrens is coming up on the end of a semester, which means the reality has set in that, "oh my gosh I might not pass my math class". "I don't know mom, I had a C or B it must have been that last test ." Knowing she struggles with math, what was I thinking letting her add up her own grades to figure out what she had? When I did the math yesterday her C or B was actually a very low C on the way to a D not anywhere in the direction of a B. Clearly, she struggles with directions as well ... She pays us tuition back for C's or lower, so it is not about the money. I can't fix this because the semester is over in seven days and for my overly controlling personality that drives me crazy.
Oh Newport's take me away.
Disclaimer: The girl, just to clarify is in College Algebra and even I hated it. And no Newport's have been smoked since the start of this blog. Day 45 and counting .
Friday, April 6, 2012
Randomness at its fineness
Day 39: I have nothing to say about smoking, other than still nicotine free. So I thought I'd just type up some randomness.
I couldn't wait to move back to the states after 4 years in England, not because I didn't like it, but the culture was so different that I was just ready for some good ol' American culture... Where did we get sent? Utah~ the opposite of American culture. Jokes on me.
If I delete you from Facebook, it is not because I hate you, it is probably because I'm judging you and because that is something I am really against, my only option is to press delete on the FB friendship. ~ Yeah, I know there must be a better Christian way.
It's probably a bad sign when T, the 15 yr old repeats word for word what I said to M not to long ago, "We haven't been on vacation in forever", at which point, not caring that I too have said it, yell "really, did we not just go to New York and Pennsylvania in December?". Kids are like mirror images of ourselves and quite frankly looking and listening to them is like walking through the carnival house of mirrors and seeing yourself all distorted. I just want to scream to T, step away from the mirror.
S is moving away for her last two years of college, and with that comes the reality of how disabled I have made my kids by doing everything for them. I have made small strides in changing this, poor T, he is still in the house for the next 3 years so he is gonna have to learn to wipe his own butt. (I'm kidding, it's not that bad) He will have to learn how to spread cream cheese on his bagels, ok close to wiping his own butt. At first with the realizations that I am like Kathy Bates in Misery and I have hobbled my kids, it can be overwhelming and depressing but then light shines through. The light I speak of, are my quiet allies, the friends who don't reveal all their downfalls, as freely as myself, but every once in a while they give you the back up (crutch) you need. One such friend, said in conversation about kids, "oh yeah my kid told me the other day if I came down and cut up her fruit she would eat it). I should mention "down" is a 6 hour drive, and while S hasn't left the house yet, I have heard this statement out of her mouth. Apparently, the trick to eating healthy is to have all the fruit and veggies cut up for you in a ready to go container, because having to pull out, lets say a big heavy cantaloupe and cutting it in slices and putting it in a baggie, I'm sorry let me just stop, that's just non-sensical talk. It's not gonna happen. Back to the light I saw, in that moment I realized I'm not alone, S won't be the only emaciated, dilapidated, lost kid away at school. Power to the "Helicopter" mom's .
I couldn't wait to move back to the states after 4 years in England, not because I didn't like it, but the culture was so different that I was just ready for some good ol' American culture... Where did we get sent? Utah~ the opposite of American culture. Jokes on me.
If I delete you from Facebook, it is not because I hate you, it is probably because I'm judging you and because that is something I am really against, my only option is to press delete on the FB friendship. ~ Yeah, I know there must be a better Christian way.
It's probably a bad sign when T, the 15 yr old repeats word for word what I said to M not to long ago, "We haven't been on vacation in forever", at which point, not caring that I too have said it, yell "really, did we not just go to New York and Pennsylvania in December?". Kids are like mirror images of ourselves and quite frankly looking and listening to them is like walking through the carnival house of mirrors and seeing yourself all distorted. I just want to scream to T, step away from the mirror.
S is moving away for her last two years of college, and with that comes the reality of how disabled I have made my kids by doing everything for them. I have made small strides in changing this, poor T, he is still in the house for the next 3 years so he is gonna have to learn to wipe his own butt. (I'm kidding, it's not that bad) He will have to learn how to spread cream cheese on his bagels, ok close to wiping his own butt. At first with the realizations that I am like Kathy Bates in Misery and I have hobbled my kids, it can be overwhelming and depressing but then light shines through. The light I speak of, are my quiet allies, the friends who don't reveal all their downfalls, as freely as myself, but every once in a while they give you the back up (crutch) you need. One such friend, said in conversation about kids, "oh yeah my kid told me the other day if I came down and cut up her fruit she would eat it). I should mention "down" is a 6 hour drive, and while S hasn't left the house yet, I have heard this statement out of her mouth. Apparently, the trick to eating healthy is to have all the fruit and veggies cut up for you in a ready to go container, because having to pull out, lets say a big heavy cantaloupe and cutting it in slices and putting it in a baggie, I'm sorry let me just stop, that's just non-sensical talk. It's not gonna happen. Back to the light I saw, in that moment I realized I'm not alone, S won't be the only emaciated, dilapidated, lost kid away at school. Power to the "Helicopter" mom's .
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Seven deadly sins, well most of them
Day 30: Bless me friends as it has been thirty days since my last cigarette, since then I have acquired other sins. Gluttony for one, all I do is cook and eat. Since I still can't feel my toes and calf I can't exercise to help counteract all the badness from the really good food. Vanity or Pride is another one, I look in the mirror all the time, trying to see how fat the fat rolls look in a certain shirt or pants. Sloth, originally known as acedia, which meant, "the neglect to take care of something one should do", still having GI issues (no I didn't try anything anyone suggested), I did try my medication that the GI doc prescribed awhile ago, and then I realized why I stopped taking it and now I just can't be bothered. Wrath, I think I have perfected this sin over the years, and dealing with the doctors and insurance lately, it really is hard to keep at bay. Envy, I'm envious of people who can feel their foot. So what's left, greed and lust. I don't think I will be able to add these to my list, for the most part I am the opposite of greed, I will give away anything, working appliances, new furniture, even a car, of course all to M's shaking head, if you want a good deal go to one of my yard sales, that's all I'm saying. It's not that I'm particularly generous, I just hate clutter, so having to keep something around until someone might buy it, drives me batty. Lastly, lust this is the one M probably wouldn't shake his head if I acquired a little of, who knows he may get lucky in a few months when I turn the big 40. (That my friends is indeed a double entendre. )
The priest would give me some prayers to say after that confession but I'm pretty sure I can get rid of at least three sins if I had a cigarette, but glad to say I don't have the desire. The thought is there once in a while, especially looking in the mirror. I'm thinking of investing in a fun house mirror, I just have to make sure I get the right one, otherwise the results could be disastrous.
The priest would give me some prayers to say after that confession but I'm pretty sure I can get rid of at least three sins if I had a cigarette, but glad to say I don't have the desire. The thought is there once in a while, especially looking in the mirror. I'm thinking of investing in a fun house mirror, I just have to make sure I get the right one, otherwise the results could be disastrous.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Positive side of this whole not smoking thing.
So positivity is not my strong suit. I have a friend who says "Always thumbs up never thumbs down" and to that my response has been, I'm "pessimistic, pissed off Sherri". However, today I feel a thumb wanting to go up, I know, I must be coming down with something. Last week I went to the doctors because of pterygium, which is a growth in the eye and when they did my blood pressure and heart rate, BP: 120/70 HR: 65, hmm I said to myself, then the other night I went to the ER for sciatica and BP:168/89 (I was in a lot of pain) and HR: 68, then today I went to docs, for follow up to sciatica (meaning I can't feel my right leg) and BP: 120/80 HR:63. I realize you probably don't see anything special, it all looks pretty good, right? Well yes it does, my blood pressure has always been good, it is only high when I'm in pain, I don't think it even raises when I'm screaming at my kids (I mean if I was that type of parent), and my heart rate in the 60's is definitely good. What you don't know is that for years my resting heart rate has always been in the 80's. Honestly, I thought it was just genetics, I figured I had a high heart rate, no big deal, and at the first doc appt. I thought it could be a fluke, but now three times I'm figuring not a fluke. Yay for a good heart rate! Moral to the story apparently cigarettes can harm you.
Okay well enough of thumb up Sherri, pessimistic pissed off Sherri still has a lot to say.
Okay well enough of thumb up Sherri, pessimistic pissed off Sherri still has a lot to say.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Day 21, will I make it?
Tomorrow will be day 21 without smoking. It has been going pretty good, that is until Thursday when I woke up with sciatica pain, this is not abnormal, I will occasionally do something and cause pain in my lower back and shooting pain down my leg. Anyway, I decided I would still exercise, so off to the elliptical machine and Zumba I went. Maybe not the best decision, Friday at 1am was in the ER, the pain was so intense, no matter how I sat, laid or stood there was no relief. I did however, find out that kneeling allowed some relief, but I had to tell every worker when they paused at the door to my room that I was not praying and they could come in. While there my foot became numb with the pins and needle feeling, today is Sunday and for the last three days I have had numbness from my toes up to my butt cheek, my leg and foot are now swollen and I still cannot sit on the couch in a normal sitting position. I'm not sure what the swelling is from, hoping it is not a blood clot and I'll make an appointment on Monday to see my doc, Thursday I have an MRI scheduled for my back. I have not been able to exercise for the past 3 days and relief does not seem to be in sight, so what do I want to do? That is right, I want to smoke, without exercise all there is, is food, which leads to weight gain, which leads to me smoking, so why wait, and let me mention, I was healthy as a freakin horse umm lets say 22 days ago. No sciatica pain causing middle of the night trips to the ER, no numb and swollen leg, no lethal blood clot slowly making it's way to my lungs (exaggeration, possibly). But no worries, I will power through and not smoke, that is until I can prove I have a deadly blood clot, at which point smoke em if you got em :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Healthier, not convinced.
Yesterday was Day 7, completed and done. I have to say that the weekend was more difficult than expected, M wanted to go to Wendover, which is code for I want to smoke. Generally, he is not a fan of gambling, where I on the other hand am a pro. I don't mean to give the impression I win, I just have no problem giving my money to some metal machine. I digress, we didn't end up going and both are still smoke free.
Now, getting on to the whole healthier thing, I'm starting to feel like it is a bunch of crap (or lack there of), and at this point if you don't like to talk about poop then you should stop reading.
The thing about cigarettes, which is a known fact to smokers, is they make you regular, ya know go to bathroom on a regular basis. When you stop smoking a general side effect is constipation, which for most I guess passes, but add to that a person who has irritable bowel syndrome and your looking at a good 7 days without pooping. As M so obviously pointed out to me Sunday, that is not healthy you need to see a doctor. To which I replied, I'll give it another week. Needless to say I don't need to see a doctor, nature and pharmaceuticals work wonders for the GI tract (particularly the latter).
Surgeon General's warning should say on the pack "If you start smoking, be aware you will never be able to poop without intervention, ever again." or " Smoking may lead to death from being so full of shit you suffocate" The wording may need some help, I'm just throwing suggestions out there.
So here's to being healthier!
Now, getting on to the whole healthier thing, I'm starting to feel like it is a bunch of crap (or lack there of), and at this point if you don't like to talk about poop then you should stop reading.
The thing about cigarettes, which is a known fact to smokers, is they make you regular, ya know go to bathroom on a regular basis. When you stop smoking a general side effect is constipation, which for most I guess passes, but add to that a person who has irritable bowel syndrome and your looking at a good 7 days without pooping. As M so obviously pointed out to me Sunday, that is not healthy you need to see a doctor. To which I replied, I'll give it another week. Needless to say I don't need to see a doctor, nature and pharmaceuticals work wonders for the GI tract (particularly the latter).
Surgeon General's warning should say on the pack "If you start smoking, be aware you will never be able to poop without intervention, ever again." or " Smoking may lead to death from being so full of shit you suffocate" The wording may need some help, I'm just throwing suggestions out there.
So here's to being healthier!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Covering ears with hands, saying la la la I'm not listening!
Day 5: I imagine a warm sunny day, sitting by the water with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It really is the picture of perfection in my mind. It makes no difference to me that there is snow on the ground and it is actually cold, I'm pretty sure if I have a cigarette, I will have beach front property and it will be a balmy 80 degrees. I can feel the sun on my face, the mist of the ocean on my arms, the cigarette between my fingers, I can taste the pomegranate martini and oh yeah it's good.
My imagination and logic like to dispute one another,
I say that, because I hear the other side screaming, well honestly it is screaming a lot of things
1. You live in Utah, there is no beach.
2. It's the middle of winter not warm.
3. You can't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes in public areas, you live in Utah.
4. The cigarette isn't as good as you imagine, it will actually taste disgusting, and btw you live in Utah.
5. The last time you had sun, water and smokes, you actually had to hang out in the parking lot of the water park and make your drinks in the trunk and smoke out there, because you live in Utah. (don't judge me I wasn't alone :))
6. Oh and the time before that, you mixed your drink in a water container and had to smuggle it into the local pool and you didn't get to smoke a cigarette with it because you live in Utah.
But you know what I say to you logic, LA LA LA I'm not listening!
If only I had that cigarette all would be well, even in Utah.
Don't worry there will be a Day 6, I really just like to say la, la, la I'm not listening :)
My imagination and logic like to dispute one another,
I say that, because I hear the other side screaming, well honestly it is screaming a lot of things
1. You live in Utah, there is no beach.
2. It's the middle of winter not warm.
3. You can't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes in public areas, you live in Utah.
4. The cigarette isn't as good as you imagine, it will actually taste disgusting, and btw you live in Utah.
5. The last time you had sun, water and smokes, you actually had to hang out in the parking lot of the water park and make your drinks in the trunk and smoke out there, because you live in Utah. (don't judge me I wasn't alone :))
6. Oh and the time before that, you mixed your drink in a water container and had to smuggle it into the local pool and you didn't get to smoke a cigarette with it because you live in Utah.
But you know what I say to you logic, LA LA LA I'm not listening!
If only I had that cigarette all would be well, even in Utah.
Don't worry there will be a Day 6, I really just like to say la, la, la I'm not listening :)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
It must be national smoke em if you got em day!
Day 4: Suddenly I stop smoking, and prior to quitting I really felt like one of the few and the brave (well in Utah that is how you feel). Now every freakin person I see is smoking, every car stopped at a light has the window cracked and smoke billowing out. In the grocery store parking lot, I see you standing there smoking away. Where were you last week, maybe I would of stuck with it, if only I felt the camaraderie before now. I'm kidding of course, I don't want to join you.
Today was good overall, but as I told M last night this is like a break up, I'm just waiting for the day when it doesn't consume my thoughts. When I go through an entire day and don't think of a cigarette, when I go take the dogs out and its not painful because I'm standing in the cold without a cigarette, when I walk into 7-11 and don't consider buying a pack. As it happens with a lost love, one day you lay your head on the pillow and realize they haven't crossed your mind in ages, that's what I am waiting for. If I'm honest the thoughts aren't consuming, they aren't bad at all, I can make it. :)
Today was good overall, but as I told M last night this is like a break up, I'm just waiting for the day when it doesn't consume my thoughts. When I go through an entire day and don't think of a cigarette, when I go take the dogs out and its not painful because I'm standing in the cold without a cigarette, when I walk into 7-11 and don't consider buying a pack. As it happens with a lost love, one day you lay your head on the pillow and realize they haven't crossed your mind in ages, that's what I am waiting for. If I'm honest the thoughts aren't consuming, they aren't bad at all, I can make it. :)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
You must work for R.J. Reynolds
Day 3: There are people I live with that I believe may be personal workers for the devil or the tobacco company. Since my husband doesn't like his business out there I'm going to call him "M" (that should keep you all guessing about who he is) and my children "S" and "T". Lets start with T who texted me yesterday about 2 minutes after leaving the house for school telling me where his shoe lace was located and bring it to him before the bus comes. Last week it was bring me deodorant "I stink", one day I'm sure it will be "I forgot to put on my underwear please please bring them to me I need them. " Then S, called yesterday and asked if I could bring a calculator to the campus because she needs it for her math test. Umm so let me get this straight, what is this new math? a math where you need a calculator ? I've never heard of such a thing!
Then there is M, who came home secretly hoping I bought a pack of cigarettes and started on the "rationalization of smoking", for those of you who may have smoked in the past you might understand this speech, I have said it myself on previous attempts at quitting, it goes something like this:
Why can't we smoke? If that is my choice, my lifestyle I choose then who cares? I'm not hurting anyone else, I don't smoke around others, I specifically move away from non-smokers. I mean if I can afford it then why shouldn't I do it. It is my life, my body, my choice.
Clap, Clap Clap you had me at "Why" Sold.... oh so close I almost bought it hook, line and sinker. In this moment though it came to mind why I wanted to quit, it was never because I gave a crap about what anyone else thought, plain and simple I felt like shit. The one thing that really pushed me into quitting, is when I scream at my kids (judge if you must) I start coughing and frankly that irritates the piss out of me. I like to be able to go off on you, without taking a choking break. So minions or not, I won yesterday and so far today. Yay me!
Then there is M, who came home secretly hoping I bought a pack of cigarettes and started on the "rationalization of smoking", for those of you who may have smoked in the past you might understand this speech, I have said it myself on previous attempts at quitting, it goes something like this:
Why can't we smoke? If that is my choice, my lifestyle I choose then who cares? I'm not hurting anyone else, I don't smoke around others, I specifically move away from non-smokers. I mean if I can afford it then why shouldn't I do it. It is my life, my body, my choice.
Clap, Clap Clap you had me at "Why" Sold.... oh so close I almost bought it hook, line and sinker. In this moment though it came to mind why I wanted to quit, it was never because I gave a crap about what anyone else thought, plain and simple I felt like shit. The one thing that really pushed me into quitting, is when I scream at my kids (judge if you must) I start coughing and frankly that irritates the piss out of me. I like to be able to go off on you, without taking a choking break. So minions or not, I won yesterday and so far today. Yay me!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Day 2 is such a mind game.
Day 2 and no cigarette, I would say yahoo but honestly I'm not confident that it will continue. Addiction?, not a physical one, I'm not vomiting, shaking, or even profusely sweating, now if we can all agree that screaming at my kids is a sign of a physical addiction then damn it, I'm addicted! Seriously, most smokers know there is no serious physical addiction, we don't wake up in the middle of the night dying for a smoke, we manage well enough on long airplane rides but the psychological addiction, well that is another story.
I just said we never wake up to smoke, but sure enough last night I must of woke up at least four times thinking about a cigarette. To be exact the thought was: when I wake up I will not have any cigarettes to smoke with my coffee. Seriously, it was like a chant to ensure my early morning depression. Needless to say, I did not have a cup of coffee this morning, it just felt like it might be too much to handle. I smoke outside, but even inside my hands seem idle, so I'm compensating by eating. Today's menu has consisted of :
Onion bagel with cream cheese and bacon
1 bowl of coco puffs
Ice cream
1 piece of white bread
2 Little Debbie Cocoa Cremes
Diet Coke
Okay, honestly that is my normal diet, I don't like veggies, not particularly fond of fruit, I like sweets I am hoping with the BMF I ordered I will cut some of the sugars. Also, I had tried to eliminate the diet coke today, that lasted until about 12:30, one thing at a time I think. Now I'm gonna have a glass of Fat Bastards Chardonnay .... Here's to not smoking!
I just said we never wake up to smoke, but sure enough last night I must of woke up at least four times thinking about a cigarette. To be exact the thought was: when I wake up I will not have any cigarettes to smoke with my coffee. Seriously, it was like a chant to ensure my early morning depression. Needless to say, I did not have a cup of coffee this morning, it just felt like it might be too much to handle. I smoke outside, but even inside my hands seem idle, so I'm compensating by eating. Today's menu has consisted of :
Onion bagel with cream cheese and bacon
1 bowl of coco puffs
Ice cream
1 piece of white bread
2 Little Debbie Cocoa Cremes
Diet Coke
Okay, honestly that is my normal diet, I don't like veggies, not particularly fond of fruit, I like sweets I am hoping with the BMF I ordered I will cut some of the sugars. Also, I had tried to eliminate the diet coke today, that lasted until about 12:30, one thing at a time I think. Now I'm gonna have a glass of Fat Bastards Chardonnay .... Here's to not smoking!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Having another go.
Last week I quit smoking, that lasted maybe 24hrs hours. My husband went out on day two and bought a pack, I'm not blaming him, I'm just saying it's his fault for my waywardness. While I would like to blame him, in the end, it was my decision to join in the smoking festivities. There are always, certain things I try to plan when I have made previous "quitting" attempts:
1. Ensure that I do not have PMS, this is a must!
2. Go to Wendover, because I like to go every three months or so, I feel like I need it out of my system before embarking on this endeavor. I mean if your gonna sit in a smoke filled casino you might as well smoke.
3. Start an exercise routine.
All were taken care of except number #2.
I say all this because since I had caved in and smoked I figured I'd better take advantage and go to Wendover. We came home winners, stinking like cigarettes, headaches because I smoked way too much and ready to try again (to quit smoking that is).
Here goes attempt #2, I know it's like the boy who cried wolf, but I truly am sick of the habit. I have been assured by my other half that he is completely on board this time.
I have purchased the Body Fit Media arm band, so perhaps that 10 pounds I'm always worried about will stay away.
And lastly, while I have much respect for those who were once drug/alcohol addicts and are now clean and sober, I don't have much tolerance for those who remain addicts and how in the hell I am supposed to judge them if I can't even quit nicotine.
It's motivation people, don't get your panties in a bunch (I know I'm not supposed to judge).
1. Ensure that I do not have PMS, this is a must!
2. Go to Wendover, because I like to go every three months or so, I feel like I need it out of my system before embarking on this endeavor. I mean if your gonna sit in a smoke filled casino you might as well smoke.
3. Start an exercise routine.
All were taken care of except number #2.
I say all this because since I had caved in and smoked I figured I'd better take advantage and go to Wendover. We came home winners, stinking like cigarettes, headaches because I smoked way too much and ready to try again (to quit smoking that is).
Here goes attempt #2, I know it's like the boy who cried wolf, but I truly am sick of the habit. I have been assured by my other half that he is completely on board this time.
I have purchased the Body Fit Media arm band, so perhaps that 10 pounds I'm always worried about will stay away.
And lastly, while I have much respect for those who were once drug/alcohol addicts and are now clean and sober, I don't have much tolerance for those who remain addicts and how in the hell I am supposed to judge them if I can't even quit nicotine.
It's motivation people, don't get your panties in a bunch (I know I'm not supposed to judge).
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The end of smoking?
I just smoked my last cigarette. The amount of times I have said this is too numerous to count. I've quit a few times with 6-8 months success and then I made a choice to go back to it. After you haven't smoked in months there is nothing enjoyable about that first drag, but I'm a fighter, I push through and after about the third or fourth cigarette it doesn't taste so bad. The last time I quit, it was because I told a friend I had quit and for some reason that was the motivation needed not to go and buy a pack. Obviously, I started back up, but to be truthful our relationship had drifted apart and I knew there would be no daily conversation of whether I had started back up. So with that in mind, I thought this blog might help deter me, the thought of having to say I failed might give the motivation needed.
I should explain, for a smoker there are no threats or scary accounts that anyone can give that will make them quit. 4 1/2 years ago I watched my mom, who was 53yrs old die of lung cancer. When I say watched I mean for 6 weeks I went back to Pennsylvania to help her while she went through chemo and radiation and then flew back to Utah to find out that the following day she had a seizure, because the cancer had spread to her brain. I received a phone call from my sister, who was crying and wanting me to make the decision on whether, if necessary, "do we pull the plug". See the seizure caused my mother to go into a coma and the outlook was not good, the doctor told my sister we had to make a decision. This call was probably the worst thing I ever had to deal with, and trust me I've had to deal with a lot in my life. I did make the call, we would not do any extraordinary measures and prayed that this wasn't going to be the end. My mom recovered and went home. I didn't go back immediately, she had friends and my sister to help look after her, but eventually the call came. I had known from our daily conversations, that my mom could no longer walk (it had spread to her spinal column) and was confused about daily events and honestly, you couldn't talk long because the coughing was non-stop. My mom, always had a positive outlook, so she started radiation on her brain. This all started in April, in May was the chemo and radiation, in June she had the seizure and for the month of July was the brain radiation. The last week in July I got the call from my sister, telling me I needed to come home, my mom was back in the hospital. When I got to the hospital, well lets just say that was hard, my mom was always excited for me to come home, I can't really explain it, just know she acted like it was the best thing ever, but not this time, she turned her head and said Hi Sher. I knew than that she wasn't going to be in my life much longer. We chose to take her home and after about four days had everything set up to do it. She had stopped eating but was in good spirits overall, in fact while she had prepared and was preparing in case she died, she wanted a remodeling company to come about the bathroom, at which point she told the guy she would need a hand bar in there. Now, we have brought her home to die, and she is asking for a hand bar in the shower (this puts a smile on my face), when hospice came, she would ask them about physical therapy for her legs, she never gave up, her body did. Three days later she would pass away. I sat there and watched her take her last breath, after that last breath I held a basin under her mouth for what seemed like a never ending amount of blood, when her body was expelling everything (because that is what happens when someone dies). This sight was so horrific, that her friend, who was also a nurse took the basin away from me and told me to leave that I shouldn't see this. After calling the mortuary, and filling out the death certificate, I watched as my sister put anything she could on my mom's bed to be cremated with her, as though that would keep us with her. The one thing I didn't do was watch them put her in the body bag, however my sister and I were sent upstairs during this, and we went out on the balcony and we watched her in that bag be taken out of the house and put in the vehicle. I say all this, not for shock value, but rather I witnessed all this crap, that seemingly was a direct result of smoking and yet I kept smoking.
I should explain, for a smoker there are no threats or scary accounts that anyone can give that will make them quit. 4 1/2 years ago I watched my mom, who was 53yrs old die of lung cancer. When I say watched I mean for 6 weeks I went back to Pennsylvania to help her while she went through chemo and radiation and then flew back to Utah to find out that the following day she had a seizure, because the cancer had spread to her brain. I received a phone call from my sister, who was crying and wanting me to make the decision on whether, if necessary, "do we pull the plug". See the seizure caused my mother to go into a coma and the outlook was not good, the doctor told my sister we had to make a decision. This call was probably the worst thing I ever had to deal with, and trust me I've had to deal with a lot in my life. I did make the call, we would not do any extraordinary measures and prayed that this wasn't going to be the end. My mom recovered and went home. I didn't go back immediately, she had friends and my sister to help look after her, but eventually the call came. I had known from our daily conversations, that my mom could no longer walk (it had spread to her spinal column) and was confused about daily events and honestly, you couldn't talk long because the coughing was non-stop. My mom, always had a positive outlook, so she started radiation on her brain. This all started in April, in May was the chemo and radiation, in June she had the seizure and for the month of July was the brain radiation. The last week in July I got the call from my sister, telling me I needed to come home, my mom was back in the hospital. When I got to the hospital, well lets just say that was hard, my mom was always excited for me to come home, I can't really explain it, just know she acted like it was the best thing ever, but not this time, she turned her head and said Hi Sher. I knew than that she wasn't going to be in my life much longer. We chose to take her home and after about four days had everything set up to do it. She had stopped eating but was in good spirits overall, in fact while she had prepared and was preparing in case she died, she wanted a remodeling company to come about the bathroom, at which point she told the guy she would need a hand bar in there. Now, we have brought her home to die, and she is asking for a hand bar in the shower (this puts a smile on my face), when hospice came, she would ask them about physical therapy for her legs, she never gave up, her body did. Three days later she would pass away. I sat there and watched her take her last breath, after that last breath I held a basin under her mouth for what seemed like a never ending amount of blood, when her body was expelling everything (because that is what happens when someone dies). This sight was so horrific, that her friend, who was also a nurse took the basin away from me and told me to leave that I shouldn't see this. After calling the mortuary, and filling out the death certificate, I watched as my sister put anything she could on my mom's bed to be cremated with her, as though that would keep us with her. The one thing I didn't do was watch them put her in the body bag, however my sister and I were sent upstairs during this, and we went out on the balcony and we watched her in that bag be taken out of the house and put in the vehicle. I say all this, not for shock value, but rather I witnessed all this crap, that seemingly was a direct result of smoking and yet I kept smoking.
I don't want my children to have to see me die like that, I don't want to know at the end that I spent a huge amount of money to aid my death.
If I make it through tomorrow, the next blog won't be so depressing, and this one I'll leave with some fun facts:
I only like the first two cigarettes in the morning, they go oh so well with my coffee
I can't stand the smell of cigarettes, in fact I have a "smoking jacket", this is an article of clothing that stinks to high heaven, it is used to protect what I am wearing from stinking.
Most people I know, will say I didn't even know you smoked, hence the smoking jacket :) oh and lots of hand washing.
I hate being next to someone who smells like an ashtray, I mean seriously you don't know you stink? Please invest in a smoking jacket and smoking gloves while your at it!
There it is, wish me good luck, and pray that I'm gonna love my new 10 extra pounds, fat girl here I come.
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