Day 89: Tomorrow will be a full three months of not smoking! I feel like the blog has run it's course and helped in keeping me off nicotine but I really don't have that much to say. I will end it with a few truths, some which I have mentioned previously and perhaps some new...
1. I still want to smoke, not everyday but there are definitely days.
2. I am constantly planning the times when I feel like I can cheat and smoke, I'm not sure that I will actually follow through, but I have a list of acceptable smoking opportunities on the legal pad in my head.
3. To clarify my cheat situations are mostly vacations with or without casinos, without children and accompanied by drinking. A couple of years ago I went to Tampa with my girlfriends, I had previously quit smoking but knew as soon as I landed, me and Newport we were going to have a reunion. It wasn't an issue when I got back on the plane to Utah I didn't smoke again. Obviously not never, we started again for something, a good reason I'm sure.
4. What I have found is I can not have cheat situations at my home, because then the habits come back too easily, like the cup of coffee with the cigarette or the after dinner cigarette. That is what happened above.
5. I know whether at home or on vacation it's probably not the best idea for the ex smoker to light one up.
6. Three months is really a drop in the bucket not a great milestone, but a milestone nonetheless.
7. Based on my previous attempts to quit and even adding in my "free cheat situations" it's the 6-9 months that are killer. I've never bypassed the 9 month mark so here's hoping!
8. I have saved a minimum of $349.10 since Feb. 27th that is just me based on 1/2 pack a day. However adding in M smoking the other half we have saved nearly $700.
Maybe my hardest trials are the next three months, when the warmth from the sun screams in my ear to take the clothes off. Sweatshirt not allowed! I'm usually a fan of summer but with my back surgery and the no smoking this weight gain is dragging me down. Here is my final blog bitchin, M started running three weeks ago, maybe 3 times a week and has lost 8-9 pounds, no real diet change to speak of. WTH! I walk at least 3 miles every day and don't loose a thing. Oh don't get me wrong I know why, because for the other 23 hours of the day I'm sitting or laying down with a few aimless wanders around the house. I can't fully express how insanely boring doing nothing is. I started breaking up my 3 mile walk, into smaller walks two or three times a day, yeah I know, not gonna make a difference. I see the doctor next week so maybe I can start doing some vacuuming or mopping. Dreaming big.
To the few who read this, thanks for taking the time over the last three months, it has helped.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Who knew anxiety cost so much.
Day 80: Anxiety: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The smoker's dictionary actually states that smoking can help ease anxiety.
Anyone who reads this blog knows I don't hold much back, so let me just be clear I have an anxiety disorder, and it's for the most part of the generalized type. I don't think about it much, in fact my family probably thinks about it more than me. I talk of Ativan all the time, which I have a legal prescription for, however, I am not the pill popping type so I don't take them. I have them, I even sometimes think: I should take them with me or I should take one but it's always just talk. I'm still alive, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't been put in the psych ward on a 50/50 hold, so far so good without medication. As I said my family are usually the one's who say "you should really take some medicine" that usually occurs when we are about to take a trip, the airport is the big one. I'm not afraid to fly, far from it, it's the need to ensure everyone is following the rules, take your shoes off , you better not have any liquid in that bag, I swear to goodness if I have to tell you to take your shoes off one more time, hurry up get your bucket, don't make people wait, why would you just lay your jacket on the belt, that is what the buckets are for, you know you can use more than one bucket how the hell is the X-ray supposed to see through all that, M why do you suddenly turn into a snail when we are in the security line, put a little pep in your step and take off your freakin shoes!!!! .... the list is forever, and they better hope that security doesn't beep them or hold their bag cause that would be the end of the world as we know it. I'm saying that is how someone with anxiety thinks, like literally pigs would fly and hell would freeze over, so I try to prevent that kind of stuff, I think of it as more like community service for the rest of the world not so much a psychological problem. :)
This has not been a problem for me, until now. T is going to the Philippines, which I am currently packing for and as I am going down the list of needed things, I see I'm going to have a problem.
Flashlight with extra batteries ~translation~ 4 flashlights with many extra batteries, I mean he will probably loose three before he even gets on the plane.
Toothbrush~ translation~ actually need 3 of those again what if he looses them
Earplugs ~ translation~ will have the two on the first leg of flight but then might loose those so will need some extra then the return trip .. oh hell just get him a box of 26 that should do it
Toiletries~translation~ just buy two of everything in case he looses the first bottle of body wash and hope that if he looses that both, someone will let them borrow theirs or they will have extra to give him. Or maybe I should hide two more bottles in a different bag just in case.
Hand sanitizer ~translation~ definitely need the clip on belt one, but I better get four refill bottles (please see above)
Four copies of Passport~ translation~ oh my hell don't even think about loosing the passport, but I will make the copies and probably two extra to send with him, I also have his passport card so if he gets detained in customs maybe it will help.
Document holder~ translation~ Can I get something surgically sewn onto him so that he will not loose anything important.
I won't tell you everything, but needless to say this anxiety thing is a pricey disorder. Especially when I add in the possible flight needed to the Philippines because I forgot to pack him something.
So since I have managed to stay smoke free for these 80 days and don't have a desiree to relapse even for anxiety relief, I might consider popping a pill in the coming weeks or I will have to be restrained from getting that parent pass that allows you to go through security and wait with your child for their flight. If I did that T might need a pill, because of the embarrassment of treating him like a baby in front of his friends.
Anyone who reads this blog knows I don't hold much back, so let me just be clear I have an anxiety disorder, and it's for the most part of the generalized type. I don't think about it much, in fact my family probably thinks about it more than me. I talk of Ativan all the time, which I have a legal prescription for, however, I am not the pill popping type so I don't take them. I have them, I even sometimes think: I should take them with me or I should take one but it's always just talk. I'm still alive, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't been put in the psych ward on a 50/50 hold, so far so good without medication. As I said my family are usually the one's who say "you should really take some medicine" that usually occurs when we are about to take a trip, the airport is the big one. I'm not afraid to fly, far from it, it's the need to ensure everyone is following the rules, take your shoes off , you better not have any liquid in that bag, I swear to goodness if I have to tell you to take your shoes off one more time, hurry up get your bucket, don't make people wait, why would you just lay your jacket on the belt, that is what the buckets are for, you know you can use more than one bucket how the hell is the X-ray supposed to see through all that, M why do you suddenly turn into a snail when we are in the security line, put a little pep in your step and take off your freakin shoes!!!! .... the list is forever, and they better hope that security doesn't beep them or hold their bag cause that would be the end of the world as we know it. I'm saying that is how someone with anxiety thinks, like literally pigs would fly and hell would freeze over, so I try to prevent that kind of stuff, I think of it as more like community service for the rest of the world not so much a psychological problem. :)
This has not been a problem for me, until now. T is going to the Philippines, which I am currently packing for and as I am going down the list of needed things, I see I'm going to have a problem.
Flashlight with extra batteries ~translation~ 4 flashlights with many extra batteries, I mean he will probably loose three before he even gets on the plane.
Toothbrush~ translation~ actually need 3 of those again what if he looses them
Earplugs ~ translation~ will have the two on the first leg of flight but then might loose those so will need some extra then the return trip .. oh hell just get him a box of 26 that should do it
Toiletries~translation~ just buy two of everything in case he looses the first bottle of body wash and hope that if he looses that both, someone will let them borrow theirs or they will have extra to give him. Or maybe I should hide two more bottles in a different bag just in case.
Hand sanitizer ~translation~ definitely need the clip on belt one, but I better get four refill bottles (please see above)
Four copies of Passport~ translation~ oh my hell don't even think about loosing the passport, but I will make the copies and probably two extra to send with him, I also have his passport card so if he gets detained in customs maybe it will help.
Document holder~ translation~ Can I get something surgically sewn onto him so that he will not loose anything important.
I won't tell you everything, but needless to say this anxiety thing is a pricey disorder. Especially when I add in the possible flight needed to the Philippines because I forgot to pack him something.
So since I have managed to stay smoke free for these 80 days and don't have a desiree to relapse even for anxiety relief, I might consider popping a pill in the coming weeks or I will have to be restrained from getting that parent pass that allows you to go through security and wait with your child for their flight. If I did that T might need a pill, because of the embarrassment of treating him like a baby in front of his friends.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Maybe a little Jose Cuervo.
Day 73: Still not smoking, but definitely contemplating taking up drinking.
The ability to do nothing, takes a will power that I do not have. Having limitations set on what I can do and can't do leaves me feeling very idle. It is that idleness that whispers in my ear for a cigarette to fill the void, the time, the nothingness.
It is amazing to recognize now, that while I have not worked or went to school in over a year, I did in fact keep myself very busy. Even on days when I thought I did nothing, I was wrong I did something. "Nothing" looks different than what I thought, nothing is a lonely place, a twiddle your thumbs kind of place, a place where you have started to contemplate whether some internet shopping might just fix everything. It's okay I haven't stepped in that void yet, don't worry just pray for me :).
So you're wondering where Jose comes in, well in my idleness I've wished I could justify taking my prescribed pain pills, because the 120 percocet I have from surgery would make the time fly or at least make me feel like I was flying, which for the next 4 weeks I won't be able to .. fly that is, or drive in a car for too long either. There is also the ever present "children", now "S" has been gone for the past two weeks housesitting, so I don't really have any complaints or WTH moments, but the other one, oh you know the one.
I won't bore you with all of my fun daily mothering activities with "T", but let me just tell ya about the most recent. I should start by saying that since I have not been allowed to drive for two weeks, T has been very good about putting on deodorant, brushing his teeth and perhaps remembering to put on boxers because he was warned no one will be bringing you those things if you forget, "your mother can't drive". Tuesday, he comes home from school, we do the normal routine, which now has some added responsibility of things that have driven me nuts during the day, like the dog hair on the carpet that needs to be vacuumed immediately. "No I don't have homework, I'm hungry, I'm going to take a shower (track practice)", so now it's about 6:20pm and he goes over to a friends to go with him to tumbling (which I'm assuming is gymnastics, these kids are 15 yrs old) and maybe get ice cream on their way home. At exactly 6:46pm T comes barging through the door, laughing "I have a band concert" , running upstairs to iron black dress pants and a dress shirt.
Okay let me start by saying the band concerts are always at 7pm, the high school is about 10-15 minute drive from my house. On concert days you must wear your dress clothes to school. Now I'm doing a little thing that is my stress reliever, yelling. I'm yelling "seriously, you didn't remember you had a band concert, when you showed up at school today with out being dressed properly a big bell didn't go off in your head, why did you suddenly remember, how the hell do expect to get there on time, you know this is worth 300 points which you can't afford to have a 0 on, had you left already for tumbling, did they have to drive you back here??? Oh my gosh hurry up ironing those damn clothes! "
Do you see where I'm going here, I can't smoke, but Jose he might help. The question becomes my liver or my lungs, what are my odds, this I don't know, so no Jose for today.
T made it miraculously on time, and when we got there his friend was standing outside, I thought waiting for him, but when T got home I found out, that his friend was waiting for his mom to show up with his instrument, which he had in the car when he got dropped off but didn't bring it in and the person driving him was now thirty minutes away at the college, to which his mother had to furiously run up to college to collect the instrument and bring it back to the kid. He also just made it, although they had been on stage for 10 minutes his part hadn't started yet. I felt like she might need that shot and was happy that it's not just my kid!
The ability to do nothing, takes a will power that I do not have. Having limitations set on what I can do and can't do leaves me feeling very idle. It is that idleness that whispers in my ear for a cigarette to fill the void, the time, the nothingness.
It is amazing to recognize now, that while I have not worked or went to school in over a year, I did in fact keep myself very busy. Even on days when I thought I did nothing, I was wrong I did something. "Nothing" looks different than what I thought, nothing is a lonely place, a twiddle your thumbs kind of place, a place where you have started to contemplate whether some internet shopping might just fix everything. It's okay I haven't stepped in that void yet, don't worry just pray for me :).
So you're wondering where Jose comes in, well in my idleness I've wished I could justify taking my prescribed pain pills, because the 120 percocet I have from surgery would make the time fly or at least make me feel like I was flying, which for the next 4 weeks I won't be able to .. fly that is, or drive in a car for too long either. There is also the ever present "children", now "S" has been gone for the past two weeks housesitting, so I don't really have any complaints or WTH moments, but the other one, oh you know the one.
I won't bore you with all of my fun daily mothering activities with "T", but let me just tell ya about the most recent. I should start by saying that since I have not been allowed to drive for two weeks, T has been very good about putting on deodorant, brushing his teeth and perhaps remembering to put on boxers because he was warned no one will be bringing you those things if you forget, "your mother can't drive". Tuesday, he comes home from school, we do the normal routine, which now has some added responsibility of things that have driven me nuts during the day, like the dog hair on the carpet that needs to be vacuumed immediately. "No I don't have homework, I'm hungry, I'm going to take a shower (track practice)", so now it's about 6:20pm and he goes over to a friends to go with him to tumbling (which I'm assuming is gymnastics, these kids are 15 yrs old) and maybe get ice cream on their way home. At exactly 6:46pm T comes barging through the door, laughing "I have a band concert" , running upstairs to iron black dress pants and a dress shirt.
Okay let me start by saying the band concerts are always at 7pm, the high school is about 10-15 minute drive from my house. On concert days you must wear your dress clothes to school. Now I'm doing a little thing that is my stress reliever, yelling. I'm yelling "seriously, you didn't remember you had a band concert, when you showed up at school today with out being dressed properly a big bell didn't go off in your head, why did you suddenly remember, how the hell do expect to get there on time, you know this is worth 300 points which you can't afford to have a 0 on, had you left already for tumbling, did they have to drive you back here??? Oh my gosh hurry up ironing those damn clothes! "
Do you see where I'm going here, I can't smoke, but Jose he might help. The question becomes my liver or my lungs, what are my odds, this I don't know, so no Jose for today.
T made it miraculously on time, and when we got there his friend was standing outside, I thought waiting for him, but when T got home I found out, that his friend was waiting for his mom to show up with his instrument, which he had in the car when he got dropped off but didn't bring it in and the person driving him was now thirty minutes away at the college, to which his mother had to furiously run up to college to collect the instrument and bring it back to the kid. He also just made it, although they had been on stage for 10 minutes his part hadn't started yet. I felt like she might need that shot and was happy that it's not just my kid!
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