Maybe this blog should be called... The Truth About My BS.

Day 49: I think between the no smoking (my one true friend), and the lack of exercise I have sunk into a slight depression.   Add to that, S and her boyfriend broke up and for some inexplicable reason that bothers me perhaps more than the first two.  I have tried to analyze it, and again as with most things that drive me crazy I have to look at my control issues, or in this case the lack there of .  I won't put all her details out here, but this is what I will say.  I believe I raised a child who understands loyalty, and does not falter from that no matter what anyone would like to believe.  I also believe that same loyalty, causes her great pain, because rather than throw someone under the bus, she will take the brunt of what is thrown. I told her a long time ago, relationships don't last unless you make a conscious effort and a decision for them to last.  "I promise to love" is not just a saying, it's the only way a relationship works, if you promise to love, despite hating them at times, despite not being in love with them most of the time, despite the lust and puppy dog love fleeting, if you promise, you choose to love that person no matter what feeling is at the forefront that day, then and only then can a relationship last.  So I believe she kept her promise longer than I would of, which I'm proud of, but I believe keeping a promise when the other person never made the same promise is like using a dixie cup to empty a boat filling with water, you will eventually be brought under.  I should say at 19yrs old I think it's okay not to make that promise, in fact I think it's better not to, there is too much life to live.  But, being stubborn, a genetic trait, she fought a good fight but in the end was tired, was done, was over it.  So what's the problem?  I seem to internalize everyone's sadness, including the ex's because I can't fix their sadness.  If S is worried over how other's view her,  I give her twenty ways to correct their thinking.  Is that what I should be doing?  I mean you and God know the truth, what else matters.  So I can teach her about honoring her word, but how do you teach them to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks?  How do you tell them that fighting for something to no avail, does not take away the fact that you fought?  How do you convince them that just because the other person didn't care until you were to tired to, doesn't take away the fact that your integrity is still intact and that is everything? How do you get across to them that they are worth more than words can describe to someone, to me?  How do you make them believe that the decisions we are brought to and the direction we choose, are what make us who we become?
I don't want anyone to be confused by any of this, I typed all this not because I have any doubt both of them will be just fine, like the millions before them who have had their hearts broken, I wrote it because I was hoping it would be cathartic for me.  These teenage years are driving me cray cray (for those who don't know that is Crazy to the second power)  I just hope that when T starts dating I hate the little girls and this scenario will not repeat itself because lets be honest there is no such thing as  cray cray cray!